Passare
by Linen Tartaruga
Summary: He punished himself because of what he believed he’d done to his brother, and something as simple as eating a meal became a form of selftorture.


**Title:** Passare  
**Characters: **Ed and Al with a little bit of Roy  
**Summary: **He punished himself because of what he believed he'd done to his brother, and something as simple as eating a meal became a form of self-torture. Heavily-implied Roy/Ed.  
**Disclaimer: **If I owned FMA then I wouldn't be poor and this wouldn't be fanfic.  
**Rating: **G  
**Warnings: **Implied Roy/Ed, no spoilers to speak of.  
**Notes: **o.O This is the first time I've been able to rate a fic this low…

* * *

Edward was waiting for something; even if Alphonse hadn't known beforehand, it was obvious from the way he was sitting. The older boy's shoulders slumped just slightly, his chin propped up on his hand and his elbow rested on the window sill. Fierce golden eyes were focused outside, half-glaring at something, though whether that something was actually outside or merely in his head, Alphonse wasn't sure; in fact, he didn't think Ed was entirely certain either.

It wasn't the same as when he was brooding, it didn't have the same feel; there wasn't the same sense of guilt and regret, bordering on almost hopelessness that usually accompanied that. But, instead, there was a sense of anxiousness, with just a bit of trepidation. Whatever it was the older boy was waiting for, he wasn't eager for it to come.

Or maybe he was but didn't want to be. Really, Alphonse wouldn't put it past his brother to really look forward to something and then feel guilty about it. Edward was talented at that; _too_ talented if you asked Al. Which no one ever did, so he wasn't about to say anything. But, then, wasn't that his problem? He never said anything, he never did anything. At the most, the younger boy mumbled a hesitant protest and then, for the most part, let the matter drop once his brother had said his piece. But that was because he was usually right! Edward's instincts were better than his own; because Edward was smarter than him, and Edward had more experience than him, and Edward had senses that Al just _didn't_.

Alphonse could hear and Alphonse could see and Alphonse could speak and Alphonse could think, he did a great deal of that, actually, but there were more ways that he was limited by the loss of his other senses than just not being able to smell or taste or touch.

Ed could tell if, perhaps, there was a strange scent in the air, or if a room was uncommonly hot, or maybe there was an unnatural flavor to a piece of food. All these things could be significantly important to changing the outcome of a life or death situation. All these things were examples of what Alphonse just could not do. Not anymore.

And this Edward blamed himself for. Well, that was just ridiculous.

Not to say that his brother wasn't entirely blameless, but neither was Al. He knew he had a significant sway over Edward but, even when he'd had doubts about resurrecting their mother, he'd either said nothing or let himself be swayed by a few words. And, even so, he had wanted to see their mother just as badly as Edward had and his hands were also touching the array and his energy was flowing through it. If he had been any less guilty than the older boy, his body wouldn't have been eaten away the way it had.

But _still_ Edward didn't understand that. He punished himself because of what he believed he'd done to his brother, and something as simple as eating a meal became a form of self-torture. Al could only _imagine_ what Colonel Mustang had to go through when they met.

Oh, he knew; his brother might like to think he didn't, but he _did_. After all, both men were extremely attractive and both men were unerringly passionate, each in their own ways. They cared about each other in the most subtle of ways in front of others but, he had to be honest, both Ed and Roy _were_ exceedingly attractive, Roy was experienced, and Ed was young and nothing if not an eager student.

It hadn't taken Al long to realize what was going on, though he was almost positive that First Lieutenant Hawkeye was the only other one that had noticed; no, not even Ed and Roy had noticed at first. They'd dance around each other like…two wolves trying to protect their territory but that know the other is incredibly strong. They'd look at each other with a different light in their eyes and, sometimes, comments were just barely appropriate enough that the other couldn't comment on them without giving away what he'd been thinking. They both had wanted to make a move, but neither of them had wanted to get hurt, emotionally _or_ physically.

Oh, because that was another thing about them: They may hide it well, but both egotistical self-assured Military heroes had the self-esteem of a scrawny ten-year-old who was constantly picked on by the bigger kids when it came to something like their own personal lives and happiness. It was almost ridiculous to think, but it was also completely and entirely true.

That's why Al had been forced to interfere; before the tension between them became so thick that it crushed the both of them and ended them both in a mental institution.

"_Um, Sir?"_

_The Colonel barely took a moment to look up from his paperwork, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to have an empty suit of armor speaking to him from the doorway without its older brother present. "Yes, Alphonse? Did FullMetal forget something?"_

_If he could have, the boy would have blushed but, thankfully, his cheeks had neither skin nor blood, so the only indications of his embarrassment were the way his hands fidgeted in front of him and his posture abruptly straightening. "N-no, Sir. Actually…" a pause as Alphonse had a moment of doubt, "Actually I… I wanted to talk to you…about something, Colonel…"_

_Mustang let that settle in for a few moments, sitting back in his chair and steepling his fingers in front of him. He couldn't imagine what would be so important that the younger Elric would ask to speak to him alone, though it most certainly had something to do with Edward…._

"_Very well," the man murmured finally, once his visitor was about ten times as uncomfortable as he had been, "Come in, Alphonse; have a seat."_

_He thanked the man and prudently chose to sit on one of the couches between Roy's desk and the door, uncertain if he should be relieved or more nervous when the Colonel moved to the couch across from him. Well, as it was, either way Alphonse knew he wouldn't be looking very much at the man._

_Roy didn't try to prompt him into conversation, instead waiting patiently for the boy to work himself up to saying what he intended in his own time, which was also something Alphonse was thankful for. Even so, it didn't take terribly long for him to finally speak up._

"_I spend a lot of time with Brother," he began, slowly and carefully, "And… I know him really well. I think I'm good at reading him." Alphonse looked up to see the Colonel sitting calmly and waiting patiently to see where exactly this was going. "I don't know _you _that well, though. I mean, I think I do considering we've only known each other for a few years, but you're _very _hard to read sometimes._

"_There is one thing I've noticed, though, and I don't think I'm the only one that has, it's just that you and Brother haven't noticed it and…that worries me a little…"_

_Mustang was beginning to look uncomfortable, and Alphonse could only imagine it was because he was beginning to have an idea of what he was talking about, and the boy couldn't blame him at all. He tried to be reassuring, however. He didn't want the Colonel to get into trouble._

"_I don't really see you and Brother together a lot, but he's constantly talking about you, Colonel. The things he says, and the way he says them, and…just the fact that he keeps bringing them up… I'm positive I'm right; at least about him. But you," Mustang's eyebrow twitched, "All I can use is what little I've seen you two together; but even that, I think, is enough to back up my theory…"_

"_And what theory is this, Alphonse?"_

_Roy Mustang was one of the most difficult people to read. So it spoke greatly for just how nervous he must have been for Alphonse to notice it. It pretty much proved his point, however, and this gave him the confidence to explain himself._

"_Brother won't come out and say it," he continued in his practiced script, but still with the air of one who now knew _exactly _what they were doing, "He doesn't really know about these kinds of things so, even though I don't know any better than he does, I'm saying something for him. He doesn't know I'm here, Sir, so don't be upset with him, but I can't just sit back and watch him do this to himself; especially knowing that I'm the reason he's doing it."_

_This seemed to pique the man's interest and quell at least _some _of his trepidation about the subject matter._

"_He says…a lot of bad things about you, Colonel, and while he may believe some of them, it feels like he's trying to convince himself more than anyone _else_. He has a lot to be grateful to you for, we both do, and he knows that; despite the fact that he likes giving you a hard time, he really does respect you and he wants to make you proud of him--"_

"_I fail to see the exact point of telling me all this," Mustang interrupted, suddenly rising to his feet, his movements agitated as he walked back towards his desk._

"_Because it's so much more than just wanting you to actually pat him on the back for once!" Alphonse rose with the chorus of grinding metal associated with _all _of his movements._

_Roy stopped at the sudden outburst, shocked by, not only the vague accusation laced into the heart of the matter, but the actual _anger _he heard in the voice of a boy he'd thought incapable of such an emotion. Although it did make sense that, if anything brought it out, it would be his brother._

"_Colonel, please, listen to me." Alphonse's voice was as pleading as anyone's ever got and, though he'd never seen it before, Roy could just imagine the heartbreaking expression on his face. "Brother won't admit this because he thinks it's a weakness and because he thinks he'll be hurting me, but I can't stand to see him hurt either. Please don't hurt him, Colonel…"_

_Mustang frowned as he realized he'd been staring into space, actually _thinking _about doing this when it was _absolutely _out of the question. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, Alphonse, and I really don't have the time to spare. Unfortunately, I am rather behind in my work, so, if you'll excuse me…"_

"_No."_

_He actually looked surprised, and Alphonse wished that Ed had been there to see it._

"_Excuse me?"_

"_I said, 'no,' Colonel. I'm not leaving. Not yet."_

_Alphonse really wished he had a camera, the expression on the man's face was truly shocked. Was it really _that _surprising to hear him be forceful?_

"_You know what I'm talking about, Colonel, because you're the same as Brother; but even if you don't then let me explain." The boy continued without even waiting for an answer, determined to not stop until he'd said his piece, "I hear the way Brother talks about you, Colonel, and, though it's not really polite, it's also all the time; he rarely stops and--"_

"_FullMetal is a generally disagreeable person, Alphonse," Roy interrupted again, and seemed to be growing irritated, "It is understandable that he might speak at lengths of someone who has upset him. I do not see what--"_

"_No! Sir, please but it's not the same. Everyone else that upsets him he complains about, yes, but not to this extent, and I think it's because he likes you."_

_Even the air in the room seemed to stop as those last words were spoken and Alphonse stared at the Colonel's back, so tense that even the boy could see it, could feel it even through the numb suit of armor that served as his body._

"_Colonel…?"_

"_What makes you think this, Alphonse?"_

_Roy still hadn't turned around, but at least he was listening now, which was all that the boy asked for._

"_Because I know him. I've spent my entire life with him, and I know how he thinks, I know how he works. He isn't doing this to convince me how horrible you are, just _himself_."_

"_Why would he do that?"_

"_Because he doesn't want to get hurt, and he doesn't want to hurt _me_."_

"Brother?"

Golden eyes snapped to him as if surprised that there was someone else in the room.

"Brother, you know I don't mind… Right?"

The surprised look was gone in an instant, covered up by a forced smirk as Ed turned back to the window, watching the people below for a second before lifting his gaze higher. "What are you talking about now, Al?"

"I mean you and Colonel Mustang." Really, the two were exactly alike; if he didn't come out and say it, they'd spend forever dancing around the subject, pretending they had no idea what someone was talking about. "You know I don't mind, right, Brother?" He tried not to laugh as Ed blushed.

The older boy didn't answer, just continuing to look out the window, and Alphonse sighed. He watched his older brother, admiring the way the changing light of the sun played over Ed's hair as it sunk past the tops of the buildings outside, wondering what he was thinking; sometimes, Ed could be just as difficult to read as Mustang…

Finally, once the last tendrils of red and pink had given way to black and the street lights were just coming on, Edward stood, lifting his coat from the back of his chair and heading for the door. He hesitated there for a moment, his hand on the doorknob as he seemed to want to say something to his brother.

"Al…" he nearly whispered, voice incredibly uncertain, "I… I'll be back later."

And then he was gone.

Alphonse turned to the door and, if he could have, he would have smiled. Edward didn't understand, no matter how many times Al told him…

"_Alphonse, you must understand the risk…"_

"_I know, Colonel, but I don't think either of you really cares either; both of you are always taking risks for the things you care about… All I'm asking, Colonel, is that you try; please. Give him the comfort that he won't accept from anyone else… Hold him the way he won't let anyone else…and the way I can't…"_

He wouldn't understand, not until he started truly listening. But, until that time, he had Roy.

_-End_


End file.
